The Tortoise and the Hare... in 2022

A satire

Feb 05, 2022

Doggo was squirming his way through the crowd of sheep, clutching the radio show's expensive microphone in his paw as he tried to get close to Hare.

That Hare is always gathering a group around him, Doggo thought—sighing as he heard Hare boasting about all the fantastic things his new Apple Watch could quantify. "See, it says I ran 20 miles already this morning! And I don't feel tired at all!"

"Wow, Hare! How'd you become so good?" someone among the fans exclaimed. "Lots of crow-eggs in my smoothie every morning, haha!" Hare replied with a wink and a big sly grin."

A jeez, Doggo thought. It looks like Hare is making fun of Crow again.

As Doggo pushed along, he passed two sheep ruminating on the morning of this race day, "It beehtter not be baahring or else I'm going to go home and watch Batflix—I heard Squirrel Game is pretty good."

Not able to get any further, Doggo finally gave up on getting closer to Hare. I'll try and find Tortoise for an interview instead, Doggo thought.

Right at that moment, a loud, high-pitched, and frantic voice started screaming over the crowd from two large speakers hanging high in the oak trees near the start area. "Has anyone seen Tortoise? Please, anyone? He's not responding to any calls and hasn't posted anything on Birdapp in the last hour! The race is almost starting!"

A that's Squirrel, Doggo thought. He must've snorted more of his acorn powder since he sounds way more anxious than he usually does. In any case, he won't have much to comment on during the race if Tortoise doesn't make it in time.

As Doggo got out of the crowd of sheep and moved to the edge of the crowd—hoping to get a view of the entrance of the race area to find Tortoise—he saw Fox walking at the edge of the crowd. Ah crap, not him again, Doggo thought.

"Only ten shells to lock in the NFT of the finish photo I'm going to shoot! Get your shells out, Sheeple! Only ten shells now but worth fifty shells later!" Fox shouted.

He's trying to scam the sheep again, Doggo concluded. I better find a Pig so they can throw him out.

As Doggo got closer to the entrance to notify a Pig, he saw a beaver on the other side of the fence, all wet with tears.

"Hey, Mrs. Beaver, what happened? Why aren't you watching the race with the sheep?" Doggo said through the fence's bars.

"I... I wasn't allowed in by Mr. Pig," she sniffed loudly. "Now that he's a policeman, he doesn't empathize with me at all anymore. He said I don't have a valid Green-leaf, but it's autumn for Human's sake! There's no green left out here, and I can't go to Lion's evergreen region of the woods to acquire a valid Green-leaf." Beaver said, sniffing even more.

"But Mr. Pig knows you tested Pollen-positive a month ago, right? So he knows you won't infect anyone with Pollen!" Doggo barked angrily.

Ok, how am I going to solve this, Doggo thought frantically while Mrs. Beaver sobbed silently on the other side of the fence.

"Ok, this is what we're going to do. You wait for me to distract Mr. Pig and slip inside quickly, alright?" Doggo said.

Mrs. Beaver nodded, and Doggo set out towards Mr. Pig. Fortunately, he had just the right question to distract him.

As Doggo walked up to Pig, he yelled, "Hi, Mr policeman, we have Fox right over there scamming people, are you going to do something about it?” Upon which Pig replied, “Lion is now allowing these crypto assets, so I can’t do anything about it, sorry.”

Doggo saw Mrs. Beaver wasn’t yet close enough to slip inside, so he tried another question. “Where is Lion anyway? Shouldn't he attend this momentous race between Hare and Tortoise? He's our prime minister, after all."

Pig, seeming to look like he was feeling somewhere between irritated and weary, answered curtly. "Lion is in an important meeting with Weasel, the CEO of Firzer, about a new inoculation against Pollen." But right as Pig finished his sentence, a dark shape emerged from a tree branch above Pig.

"Eh, excussse me?" A slithery voice said.

It was Snake, hanging from the branch straight above Pig. "Eh, I'm sssorry, Mr. Pig, but I'm not sure that'sss correct. I just saw Lion and two Wolves of Willow Street step into a cave about 15 minutesss ago."

Pig looked dumbfounded from Snake to Doggo and back, too distracted to notice Mrs. Beaver crawling underneath the fence behind him.

As Pig started to answer Snake while turning in the direction of where Mrs. Beaver was, he was interrupted again. This time by a soft and sluggish voice. "Hello, am I too late?"

Tortoise had finally arrived.

Mouse wasn't one to like waiting, so he was relieved to jump-start his drone and be ready for lift-off as Tortoise and Hare were nearing the start-line. Since his early childhood, Mouse hated seeing everything from a low perspective—that's why he got his Drone-license ASAP. Today, he would be filming the race from the air, his favorite view of the world, sitting on top of his custom outfitted DJI Mavic 5.

A few minutes passed, and Mouse was up in the sky, taking a cursory glance down at Tortoise and Hare who were both finally ready to race.

As Mouse circled the racers, he saw a dark shadow flash over his head. He looked up and saw Crow. Shit, what is that hack doing here now? Mouse worried as he kept the drone's camera still pointing at the start line. That Crow and Hare have always despised each other. I wonder if he has plans to disturb the race.

As Mouse kept circling the start line while the sheep and other animals cheered on Tortoise and Hare, Squirrel started squeaking through the microphone, "Ladies & Gentlemen, let's start the race!"

Mouse didn't have time to worry about Crow hacking his camera or drone—he probably wasn't Crow's target anyway—because the loud shot he heard told him that the race had begun.

Hare ran off blindingly fast, throwing sand and dust particles into the air. He was so quick that Mouse could hardly angle his camera to keep Hare in the frame. It won't do to lose sight of Hare, Mouse thought. It'd cost me this well-paid gig.

Mouse started following Hare from the air—Tortoise would be filmed by the ground crew, as he wasn't going so fast—dodging trees, sheep, and rocky walls. Hare was doing rather well, and Mouse saw him look at his Watch's navigation app to see where he had to go—it was a pretty dangerous road if you'd be going at the speeds Hare was going after all.

As Mouse started to relax a bit into the race, having locked onto Hare with his drone's autopilot and camera, he suddenly had an ominous feeling. He looked up, and there he was again. Crow.

It seemed Crow didn't take notice of Mouse and was solely focussing on Hare with fierce intent. What the hell is that?! Mouse thought as he saw a small black device in one of Crow's claws.

It was pointed right at Hare, but it didn't seem to do anything... But then Mouse saw what was transpiring. "Oh no, oh no, oh shit!" Mouse said as he figured out that Hare was running right towards a cliff at break-neck speed.

Mouse pushed his drone lower and faster, wind screaming past his ears, hoping to get to Hare in time to warn him. "Hare, Haaare, stop! STOP!"

But it was too late; Hare didn't miss a step. He was running so fast it was as if he was walking on air. But after what seemed way too long—but happening within microseconds—Hare looked down and saw there was no ground under him. Mouse, soaring past Hare, saw the look of terror in Hare's eyes as the racer fell towards the ground. Mouse closed his eyes just before he heard a soft splat from far down below.

Hovering above the cliff in shock, Mouse saw Crow flying away as if nothing had happened. But Mouse knew what he had seen; Crow had hacked Hare's navigation app and made him run off the cliff.

The following day Mouse was sitting at his breakfast table—sipping on his 4th cup of coffee because he hardly slept the whole night after everything that had happened—as he scrolled through Birdapp.

What the fuck Fox, gross, Mouse thought in disgust as he saw a post come by from Fox selling an NFT of a selfie of himself with what was obviously a dead Hare.

Mouse quickly scrolled down, hoping to see something else. Ah, there is Doggo; he's a good boy, Mouse thought as he clicked the video. I wonder what his take is on yesterday's events.

"Such a tragic race day indeed," Doggo said, looking into the camera. "Tortoise won, but the circumstances were not what we hoped for, and we're still unsure what happened to Hare exactly. But now we have a guest who has an answer for us, isn't that correct, Dr. Duck?" Doggo said as he turned towards his right, where Dr. Duck was standing next to him. "So Dr. Duck, yesterday it was still undetermined what caused Hare to die, but you say you have an unambiguous answer for us today?"

"Why yes, Doggo, we do. We did a thorough autopsy of Hare and found he was Pollen-positive in both his fur and blood. So he must've died from Pollen." Dr. Duck quacked.

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