On Tradition [memoir]
My mother-in-law’s Easter eggs
Last week I had a hilarious laugh together with Rose, my mother-in-law. As I was sipping my tea at my in-laws' place, I listened to Rose retelling how Daisy (my daughter) found an "easter egg" somewhere in Rose's garden, before easter, before the easter bunny—Rose—could've hidden any eggs. The chocolate Easter egg didn't really look like an egg anymore. Underneath the foil, it was gnawed on by who knows what critters or insects, and obviously, as it was an egg from last year, it didn't have its egg shape anymore due to last summer's heat.
As I finished laughing, Rose went up to a kitchen cabinet, grabbed some dark chocolate, the type with sea-salt and caramel crystals, and offered me a bunch. It's the chocolate the kids don't get to have, chocolate that—I like to think—she keeps in the cabinet especially for when I'm over.
You see, Rose and I have been drinking tea more often as I deliver or pick up our kids from their place. It's partially a function of me staying more at home with our kids than Gigi, my wife. But it's also that I've become more open and relaxed over the last few years. And I think Rose has noticed that I'm more comfortable, and in turn, she's become more comfortable around me as well.
So every time I bring or pick up our kids, she invites me to have some tea, chocolate, and a chat. And what's interesting to me in those conversations is that we've come to agree on specific topics that I would've never imagined agreeing on with her ten, or even five, years ago.
One of which is the value of celebrating things like Easter, Sinterklaas (Dutch Santa Claus), and Christmas.
How I experienced tradition & religion
Between, say, 18 and 30 years old, I essentially shat on tradition and religion. Of course, my views were based on shitty life experiences. Three in particular.
First, my parents were and are very spiritual, and I was as well as a teen. But spirituality didn't help me get what I needed then, so I grew resentful towards it.
Then there were my shitty experiences with Sinterklaas: I never liked Sinterklaas after knowing he wasn't real—I felt my parents could barely afford the presents we got. Thus I always felt guilty getting them. And the way Sinterklaas was celebrated usually involved being the center of attention of a whole group. You'd have to make a poem for someone—you couldn’t choose for whom—and then they're gonna read aloud the poem you made in front of everyone (and you better have a good poem.) So in my mind, the tradition of Sinterklaas equaled Coercion.
Lastly, I sometimes felt ashamed of my Moroccan roots, which, already feeling like an outcast, I tried to stay as far away from as possible. This aversion to religion, Islam and Christendom in particular, only increased after I was convinced that religion was why my parents divorced.
Had to think of this: there’s this saying/rhyme in Dutch “twee geloven op één kussen, daar slaapt de duivel tussen.” which translates to "two faiths on one pillow, in-between the devil sleeps."
Then I regularly had some vague acquaintances ascribe religious aspects to me based on my name or skin, which was enough for me to completely shun religion and tradition. Instead, these experiences tipped me into a progressive/left-leaning and "rationalizing" worldview as an adolescent, which partially carried on into my late twenties.
On the other hand, my in-laws are fair, middle-class, protestant hard workers. They regularly go to church, help their community, and don't live extravagant lives.
Tradition, religion, and ritual are vital to them. Necessary for my father-in-law, Larry, because he really requires routine and ritual to live well. And Rose has a genuine spiritual side (which I feel she has come more into contact with after she had cancer (and survived) and after Daisy, her granddaughter, had her brush with death).
So when I got to know my in-laws many years ago, we didn't connect in all aspects. Still, they were always very patient with me (and luckily, we did click on other, more practical things). Over time, in part because my in-laws were acting as a mirror, especially Rose, I’ve been able to change a lot.
Found an ‘Easter egg’ in my relationships
See, in the last five years, I recognized that 'losing my religion' wasn't such a healthy thing for me at all. (Oh God, as I am writing this, I just now realize Losing My Religion is a hit song by R.E.M. that my parents listened to all of the time when I was a kid!)
It's been a strange realization to see myself value tradition more and more. Six or seven years ago, when Bran, my oldest, was still a baby, I was still of the mind that we should tell him the truth about Sinterklaas not existing. At that time, I didn't want to celebrate Sinterklaas at all. Fast-forward to the last few years, when Rose and I were the only ones pushing to celebrate Sinterklaas together as a family, despite Covid times!
Seeing my kids learn tradition and celebration from their grandparents fills my heart with joy. I'm grateful that I have gotten to know Rose and Larry, and of course, my lovely wife, as they are examples for those parts of me that I neglected during my life.
Maybe that's part of the reason why I fell for Gigi in the first place. Perhaps, subconsciously, I felt I needed some of those traditional values, even though, consciously, I was very loudly opposing them.
I feel the lessons of tradition I have learned from my in-laws were a kind of Easter egg hidden within my relationship with Gigi; I only had to search for a bit to find it!
What kind of ‘Easter eggs’ have you found in your relationship with your partner, your in-laws? Let me know, I would love to hear them!
Thanks for reading, and as always if you enjoyed it, please share it with others around you.
Sincerely,
Jibran